The Internet and laxatives – a girl’s best friends
Baby Alya makes smooth arrival into world on June 11.
I’m happy to report I had my baby girl on June 11 — Alya Mae Gavan, 6 pounds, 9 ounces. These days, we are both fat, happy and occasionally fussing. But, I’m even more pleased with my Old Wives Tales’ tricks I used to coax her out early. Don’t try this at home folks, but feel free to read this blog and laugh about it.
The medical community may advises against this, but I tend to follow my own way. Yes, doctors are hard working folks and all, but there’s only one God. As for ruralee me, I rely on two trusty friends of mine to get me through all of life’s challenging situations — the Internet and laxatives. The Internet seems to get me into situations and the laxatives seem to get me out of them. This applies to dating, depression and even work situations.
My baby wasn’t due until July 4, although by my predictions it seemed like she would arrive sooner. I vaguely remember some certain Honeymooners episodes around the time and had used some Internet calculators to help plot her beginning.
Like most pregnant women with their first spawn, I couldn’t wait to be done with pregnancy to see what me and my husband’s genes could come up with. But, being the struggling reporter I am, I didn’t have the luxury of bed rest. Instead I had to lope around town, notebook in hand and belly in tow begging for quotes about the Stimulus Plan.
Plus I really didn’t enjoy being pregnant. It was always a little bit embarrassing. Being pregnant is a in-your-face confirmation you did something to get in that condition. My favorite comment from male jokesters was “How did that happen?” Although some women were notorious belly rubbers, men either joked about it or averted their eyes quickly.
Then there were the dogs I’d encounter who’d give a friendly jump on me. And of course there were the unending doctor’s visits, with them just waiting to find an excuse to find another test to take which my insurance might not cover.
Because I knew a 37-week old baby is technically considered fully developed (although pregnancy usually lasts around 40 weeks), I figured it was a good eviction week date as any.
I really didn’t think taking herbs would work. I read hundreds of tales told by women on blogs saying how they tried everything to go into labor and were still stuck sweating and stuffed with a baby at 42 weeks along.
After reading about wives tales to induce labor on the Internet, I started taking primrose oil and began massaging certain pressure points in the hand and on my leg. I would spend hours pressing the points as I lay on the couch shoveling food in my face and dreaming of liquor.
Then there was the point of no return. I had just covered the Sharon Model A Days (a great rural event, check out my blog on it), and had returned to work with a huge backache which lasted for days. I tried to rest my legs on a bucket under my desk, but the agony wouldn’t let up. On June 10, I wandered to the store to pick up the big guns — Castor oil.
I found an old shot glass, poured and chased it with some stale soda my husband had left opened in the fridge. I figured, what would it hurt? The blog writers said it wouldn’t work anyway. After all, if it wasn’t for bad luck, I’d have none at all.
Boy was I wrong.
Labor began about an hour after my castor cocktail. The baby was born the next day without a hitch at 36 weeks and four days. She had a 9.9 Apgar score out of 10.
The lesson for me? Well, my most trusted and inexpensive friends are still the Internet and laxatives. The Internet offers a wealth of unpopular yet useful knowledge. And laxatives can bail you out of just about anything.
I'm so cute it hurts.
On a side note I’m working on two stories and am looking for reader participation. Please email me at hgavan@beloitdailynews.com if you are interested.
The first story is on electric cars. Do you have one? What kind? How did you choose one? What should people look for if they are considering buying one?
The other story is on past lives. I’ve been speaking with Roni Golan of the Rockford Laughing Club who is offering hypnotherapy in order to find past memories including those of past lives. Do you believe in this? Do you believe you have been through something in a past life?
