Rural Confessions #2: Internet Dating and Bounty Hunters
I wanted to have a slow build-up here on Rural Confessions, but I suppose I could reveal Internet dating confessions, due to reader demand.
Although I’m glad I’m safely married and stuffed with child now, I wouldn’t take back my dating years because I learned a lot and drank plenty of whiskey (sometimes that’s the only way you can survive an Internet date — especially with a bounty hunter — it’s best to keep some in your purse or cowboy boot).
I could probably write a book about characters found online, but I’ll start out with a few highlights and the lessons I learned.
Internet dating rules for ruralees
• Men — don’t get a haircut, and women — don’t do your nails before an Internet date. This rule I learned from my brother Kenny. I don’t know what the difference is between live conversation and e-mailing, but you could be sure you’ve found a great match online and can be fantasizing a great relationship, double wide trailer and passel of goats, only to meet someone with missing teeth and a deceased twin attached to their shoulder. When people dress up, their expectations follow — and when you are online it’s best to start in the gutter.
——
Here is one of my more memorable Internet dates entitled “The Bounty Hunter.”
Years later I’m still trying to make sense of this experience. I was contacted online by M., a guy who went to my college, located three hours away. At the time I was very interested in unique men of other cultures as a way to escape my impending fate as a redneck Internet blogger. Anyway, we’ll just call the international man M. for confidentiality reasons. M had a good job as a medical researcher of some sort and claimed we were destined to meet.
Anyway, breaking all my rules of not getting haircuts or doing nails, I went to Outback Steakhouse dressed to kill. I did, however, keep the rule of keeping potential dates away from the ramshackle shack where I was living.
The date started out as bizarrely as only an Internet date could. M. was wearing a wooly sweater and had some dried milk boxes in the backseat of some sort of brown Buick (wait I’m getting ahead of myself).
M. seemed to be a soft spoken and serious man. I didn’t see any love connection happening, but figured there was no harm in a free steak for a struggling journalist. When I asked him what type of research he did, he explained how it was on obesity. (OK, fork retreating from steak heading back toward salad.)
He explained how he was tracking the emotional needs of obese women and their connection with food. Over dinner he profiled and had pictures of several larger ladies he had either dated on the Internet or researched in his job. He even had a picture of an ex-fiancee bedazzled in jewels and resembling a plump concubine.
(During my future Internet experiences I would learn many men would often bring up ex-wives, stepchildren, reptiles and murder victims they had sometimes accompanied by divorce paper copies or photo essays.)
After a few martinis, I was starting to feel inadequate for my slimmer-at-the-time build. Was I part of the research? Did I look portly on the rosy-cheeked Internet posting? But just when you think an Internet date is over, it’s all just beginning….
That’s when we took a quick turn to Stash O’Neils for a drink or two. He seemed harmless enough so I agreed to ride with him. (That’s how I spotted the dried milk). When we arrived at the bar, M. informed me that a friend of his would be joining us. He said his friend, a jolly ol’ rural guy, was a bounty hunter, kind of like Dog the Bounty Hunter.
At this point I couldn’t figure out if they were trying to take my credit cards or were a Batman/Robin duo collecting research on obese and/or non-obese women. They seemed to be good buddies and I felt I was somehow intruding on their adventures together. They had stories of the bounties collected, the car chases and the chubbettes cheering them on along the way.
The duo then took me back to my car and we all drove to a dance bar. Once we arrived Dog was cheering as M. practiced his break dance and techno moves. At some point in the night I spotted another Internet date from days gone by and decided to make a quick exit. I escaped unscathed with all my credit cards, and am still left wondering…What the heck happened that night?
And you’re probably wondering…the point of this story? Well like Internet dating, there usually is no point. Keep your paws off the keyboard, and don’t force destiny.
Enjoy the experience, but don’t get too excited.
Ladies — deodorant and chap stick is about the most investment in your looks an Internet date deserves. Men — don’t break the bank, they’re all looking for a free steak anyway.
Stay tuned for future Rural Confessions!
Coming soon…”Banks, Arson and Thanksgiving dinners”
Remember it’s always better to be a living dog than a dead lion. I found that in the Good Book. (I also found that you aren’t supposed to trust winkers. Watch out for Sarah Palin.)
If you have an Internet dating confession, send along!
too funny!
I tried internet dating myself, and truth be told, I could write a book!
Not long after I started, I learned there are many of these dates, that just were not worth an hour or a free steak. I learned alot of lessons through my experiences and made some good friends. I often met at a park or a football game, and found it was much easier than trying to escape a car, a restaurant or the loss of an entire evening or the cost of a babysitter.
I did not run into any “crazies” allthough a few were a little scarey. I first started with “dates” but learned quickly the evening could be much too long. Short visits seemed to go much better. The good news is, I too am married now and met my husband through match.com. Allthough, it started out to be a possible date, I ended the internet search and called him up as a handyman versus the internet dating thing. He seemed much happier about that anyway, and when no one would show up for my lady in distress, broken water pipe… Mr. Handy man walked me through turning off the water until he could arrive. As it turned out, I gave up the internet dating scene and have been with my husband almost 9 years now. Thanks for sharing… and let me know if you want my do’s AND don’t list’s.
Thanks for commenting! Please send on your Do’s and Don’ts. I’m sure they’d help all the people online. Internet dating has definitely worked for a lot of people when done right. I’ve heard many happy endings.
Sometimes though I think there is something about it that is laden with too much pressure or expectations, plus all the other “potential dates” lurking out there. Maybe that’s why the “broken water pipe routine” was so effective. It kind of took the situation out of cyberspace back into you and his personal realm. Plus I think men and women both like to feel special and somehow sought out or needed. On the Internet you start to feel like one of the masses.
I met my husband after telling some friends in a bar I liked his karaoke. He’s still obsessed with our meeting, loving to tell everyone how I plucked him out of the crowd. I don’t really believe in pursuing men, but it never hurts to throw out a few bones and see what comes back.
Hillary,
Before internet dating…there was those “personal ads”. There’s another story or book I could write for you as well! It all kinda works out the same, except you still end up “meeting” somewhere….and talking a lot. Once, I talked to someone for almost a year, and I think when we finally did meet, our expectations were just to high. He planned a romantic date at a fancy restaurant on Valentines Day. We had a lot in common and it should of worked out. However, I think sometimes our minds play tricks on us and our expectations get the best of us. I do not recommend waiting too long. We had talked for so long, yet I really could not put his face together with the face I imagined in my head, if you can understand that. There was this sense of “knowing them” without really knowing them. That being said, I think it’s important to get to know the person, a little anyway, before you waste any time, but depending on your schedule, Don’t wait too long. It all is very time consuming. The thing I think that is the best thing about the whole concept, (internet dating) is simply how serious are you and do you really want to share your life with someone. If you do, then you have to put in the time. Create your own destiny.
You will have to always weed out the liars and phonies. There will always be those who lie about their age, (or when the photo was taken) their status, their height, and of course their weight…so be prepared for those. Then, what it all boils down to, is everyone has their own idea of what “perfection is” and what it is they want. Or at least they like to think so. Once, I booked an afternoon with (3) dates: I wore the same outfit… and pretty much looked the same. Yet, the results of those dates, and the perception of me, were all VERY VERY DIFFERENT. I had to laugh, cos again, I was the same person, but looked at very differently in spite of all the pictures that were shown and what the expectations were. So again, I say do not get discouraged. Most people are looking for an opportunity to find their special someone and sometimes they just are not sure of who or what it is they are looking for. I don’t have all the answers… and at the time I did it, I had a child, a busy life, and I learned how to do it the right way for me. Do what works for you. I worked my schedule around open meeting places. It saved me a lot of time and headaches. The “free steak” drink or meal…got old to me pretty quick. I often found I just did not have the time or money or tolerance for the “whole evening”.
Some of the men also got pretty sick of the whole dating routine anyway, and surely did not mind me making it easy for them. I am sure I taught them a thing or two. Since this was so long ago, I am sure they are much smarter now.
Here’s a quick list for your readers:
Know what you want and what you are looking for.
Write a list and go over it in your mind.
Rate the most important things to you. (example) looks, money, sense of humor, etc.,
There is a book, I recall one of my internet buddies shared with me…how to find the love of your life, in the first date, (or something like that it was called) It was a big help.
I also used a ” absolutely NOT ” list…. (like no DUI’s or wives etc.,) but of course, they end being the one you end up wanting. (smile) OOPs
Keep an open mind, no one is perfect.
Do more listening than talking.
If you do not have the time to spend evenings, (do coffee, one drink, an italian ice) Keep it simple.
Pick a park or free public space. You can talk, meet and leave as soon as you want to.
Try not to tell the person everything you want in a person, because they often will try to be someone they are not.
It’s not easy…. it takes time, patience and a lot of work.
Don’t get your hopes up, but then Don’t go into it thinking it’s all a waste. I learned a great deal during those internet dating events.
I went to a few concerts, saw a play…. a drag race. I also made some great friends and had fun. Always be careful without being paranoid.
If you choose to share your address, or an evening…. protect yourself. I had a VERY HUGE Dog, so I did meet a few at home. If they insisted on an evening or a date…I made them pay for the sitter.
I cannot tell you how many dates, events, or people I have met. But I did have a list at one time, and I also think there were many times… I just took a break from it all. I had maybe two or three situations where the ” person” seemed a little scary…. but considering the numbers I went through, I think it was all worth it. I highly recommend it.
I think it helps you gain a perspective, of not only the world and men around you, but about yourself as well. I had a lot of fun, and like I said, I learned a lot.
I think I may have rambled a tad too much. The stories are the funniest, and like I said, I could write a book. so that being said…to all the readers out there… I say Go For it. You can make your own rules! I know I did.
It’s stories like these that make me not want to go on a Webdate! I’m sure not everyone will go through horrible experiences like this one, but I want to hear more of the stories about successful dates! It’s always fun to read these creepy, horror stories but once in a while I need to hear something reassuring. But I think I still agree that at least, don’t expect a lot of the first date. If the first date goes really well, then the other dates can be more dressed up and more time can be spent on it.